The crystal ball

I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what the future holds. I think my biggest fear is not knowing how I am going to support the kids and myself. As of right now, TAB has court ordered support payments (that are always late) but they won’t last forever. Either he will decide to stop paying, he will lose his job again, or the court will decide I have had enough time to get my act together.

The problem is, I have not had enough time to get my act together. In the last two years since we left him and moved home:

*my dad died

*TAB cut off all of our finances, closed our joint account and told me he was not sending any money for either the kids or myself (I had been a stay at home mom over 10 years by that time).

*I filed for divorce and took him to court for emergency support payments.

*TAB came to town sending my son into a spiral of depression which included having suicidal thoughts.

*My mom’s illness got worse and her care needs increased.

*My son was triggered once again by TAB and sent back into a suicidal depression.

*My daughter also struggles with the  hurt and pain of growing up in an abusive home.

*I have started the process of learning to heal myself. I was destroyed by this man, unable to think for myself, unable to believe I had any value at all.

*During this time I have also experienced the deaths of two uncles, my godmother, a family cat, two ranch horses, and two ranch dogs (my kids were very close to both the horses and the dogs as well as the cat).

Like I just can’t catch a fucking break. Somehow inside all of this pain and chaos I am supposed to start a career and support us.

I pray about it all the time, I feel deeply that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I am told to just trust and move ahead as I am, looking after those I love, having faith. Usually I do. But, it’s also really freaking hard. I’m essentially living on love and miracles. And we have had a lot of miracles in the past few years, they have saved our lives. But, I sure would like it if I could just peer a little into the future and know that we will be ok, that I will be able to provide properly for my kids, that I can continue to look after them the way I am right now. Because this parenting stuff that I do is the most important thing in the world to me. If I can’t get them through all of this and have them be happy, healthy, secure, loving beings then what was the point? But, it does not come with a paycheck.

Just a little peek into the future to see a calm, happy, secure family there too would be nice.



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