I have come to realize that I live in a great deal of fear. I don’t want to, and honestly it pisses me off that I do, as I believe I have had to be incredibly brave the last few years, but the fear is still there.
I am afraid I won’t be able to support the kids and myself financially. I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am afraid I will meet someone and he will be as abusive as TAB, I am afraid the kids and I will never recover from the abuse we lived through.
Usually I stuff all that fear down into the dark places of my soul and pretend it’s not there. But it is and it affects my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. It affects the way I live my life, the relationships I have with people, and the ability I have to move ahead into a happier and more peaceful life.
So, the fear needs to be addressed.
I went to a transformational acupuncture appointment last week – I had been once before and it was pretty powerful stuff. We worked on acknowledging that fear, understanding why it is there, and on beginning to let it pass through. I have had reasons in my life to be afraid but I have also taken on the fears of those around me and made them my own. It’s a heavy and unnecessary burden that I drag along.
TAB thrives on making me be afraid, it’s his life force. And I have a difficult time not feeding into it because I am afraid of him. I spent years being afraid he would end our lives, I am afraid now of the devastating impact he has on my son, I am afraid he will cut us off again financially and I won’t be able to provide for my kids. I know it’s an awful lot of power to give someone, and I am learning to let that go – it’s 20 years of training I have to undo.
I have been able to open my heart connection to God again and that is where I will get my power from. It is what will let me be able to let the fear flow through me instead of becoming lodged inside my body. When I have a true and strong connection I trust that I am doing the right thing and that I have the support of the universe behind me. When I lose that connection I feel like I am left all alone trying to slay a vicious dragon all by myself.
So now when I feel that fear pass through – and it does several times a day – I breathe and realign myself with my Source. If I can keep that connection open and keep my faith strong I will be able to walk through my fear. And I have to because I have the lives of my two children who depend on me to walk them through theirs as well.