I have been in some form of a controlling relationship my entire life. I didn’t realize this until a few years ago when I was doing some reflecting while still in my marriage – that this was a pattern I had created. It wasn’t always a romantic relationship that was controlling, but it was always one of my main relationships, and the patten was clear and consistent.
I began to believe that I would repeat the same behavior, make the same choices, over and over until I had learned what I needed to in these situations. Why was I constantly putting myself in a position where I allowed someone to control me?
I believed that I needed to learn better coping skills, or learn how to properly identify this type (in my case a narcissist) of person whom I continued to let into my inner circle.
This was confusing and frustrating for me as I felt like I had learned that lesson. I made very clear choices as I exited my marriage and swore that I would never be in that type of relationship again.
Then I met 2.0 and our hearts were like old friends. It was one of those really cool, deep connections that don’t happen very often. But, I felt constantly out of balance the entire time I was in the relationship and I didn’t know why.
It wasn’t until after we had broken up that I was able to piece it together. I had once again fallen into a controlling relationship. He wasn’t as obviously mean as TAB (although he proved to be pretty cruel in his own way as I learned of his behaviour patterns towards those who loved him), but he needed to make all the rules, he needed to be right, he needed to be the successful one, he needed me to dim my shine so that his could shine brighter.
And that hurt my soul, but my heart was so wrapped up in it I didn’t understand what was going on. After we broke up I realized I would never have had a chance to walk into myself, to see my light shine, to share my gifts with the world.
I’ve been reading Entering The Castle by Caroline Myss and the part I was working on today included this sentence:
Detaching from the controlling influence of others so that you adhere to the trust and humbleness you need in order to listen to divine instructions is difficult, but it is your task.
And just like that it all made sense. That is the lesson I have needed to learn. As long as I allow these controlling relationships to run my life I don’t have to trust and be humble and listen to divine instructions. It never had anything to do with learning to protect myself from them, it had to do with learning to have faith and trust in my divine connection over anything else.
It was quite honestly a life changing moment. I don’t have to spend so much energy fretting that TAB is refusing to pay again, I don’t have to spend my energy worrying that he’s going to continue to hurt me. I need to focus inwards and have faith in my divine connection because it is giving me really clear guidance right now.