Forgiveness, Uncategorized

A step towards forgiveness

I have realized as I’ve been kind of stuck lately on my healing journey that I need to figure out how to forgive TAB. Quite honestly, this is the last thing in the entire world I want to do. I think if I only had to forgive him for cheating on me over and over for years, for spending and hiding tens of thousands of dollars (probably closer to hundreds of thousands in all honesty), for hitting me, for hitting S, for the reign of terror and emotional abuse he subjected us all to, for the lies, the threats – if that was all there was to it, maybe that I could forgive.

It’s the other things I’m having a hard time forgiving. The unfairness of it all, how he broke the dream of the family and the life I wanted, the fact that my kind and amazing son talks about suicide on a regular basis because of trauma left over from this man, hearing my daughter talk about stuffing all her feelings down deep inside so she does not have to deal with them. The brutal unfairness, the fact that we are away from him and he continues to try and create uncertainty and chaos, the fact that I’m left alone to lead this family as we heal from crisis, the financial stress I’m left with.

The unfairness.

I have a hard time forgiving because it’s so unfair.

He’s got everything he ever wanted – great career, fun girlfriend, weekends away, the perfect executive life he wanted – the one that his family always got in the way of.

The fact that now I have to figure out some way to support myself and my kids when I gave up my career building years to look after the family so that he could build his. The fact that the career that I wanted was looking after my family and it will be taken away from me so that I can take some shit job to put food on our table.

I have a hard time forgiving because it’s so unfair.

Yet… it’s hurting me to not forgive. I am stuck at this place in my healing because I’m not forgiving. It’s hurting me not only emotionally but physically as well.

I have to figure out how to forgive him. I have to do that knowing that even if I forgive him for all the past hurts he will hurt me again today, tomorrow, and for as long as he is alive. And I have to figure out how to forgive him for that as well.

I have to do it so that we can continue to heal.

Advertisements
Standard

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s