Forgiveness, Uncategorized

Coping with fear

This has been a very fearful couple of weeks. On the advice of my lawyer I finally got registered with MEP (our support enforcement program) so that they would be able to take care of getting payments from Tab and I would have less stress to deal with. Every month since the order was made he has been at least 3 weeks late with the payment, leaving me feeling insecure every single time that one would in fact be made. Last month he failed to make his section 7 payments, and when I asked him about the regular support payments he refused to answer – so I  got things activated with MEP.

I spoke with MEP a week ago and they said that they had contacted Tab the first of April to organize payments, but that they didn’t yet have jurisdiction in his area (he lives in the States, we are in Canada – but there is an agreement between countries that payments must be made) and they couldn’t enforce the payment. So this month he has decided simply not to make a payment. This month, when my taxes were due and they wiped out what I had left in savings, I have no money left over to look after the kids, to pay my bills, to pay my lawyer, to live.

I get spousal support because of the length of the time we were married and because I stayed home with the kids so that we could move around while he grew his career – so he knows I depend on his payments. I also have spent the entire amount I have received in spousal support in the last year on lawyers fees – most of which was to enforce support payments (see what that did for me). Not that I have to justify it, but I’m not working now because my son has been dealing with suicidal issues over the last year as he’s dealing with his own issues after being abused and I’m kind of busy dealing with that.

Scorched Earth Divorce – it’s a real thing. He is trying to drive me into the ground. He has hidden money, hidden a big raise,  hidden businesses in a different country, and hidden God knows what else.

So, here’s the thing. At Easter time I was praying by the ocean and I realized that I had given up hope. I have made myself his victim. He made me his victim for years as I lived in the abuse, but now I am still his victim as he holds me financially hostage and that is not ok at all.

I am starting to understand that the only way for me to move ahead is to learn how to forgive him somehow and to take myself out of the role of victim. Both are harder than I thought. I can think about forgiving him for injuries in the past, but the fact that he continues to attack me makes it so incredibly difficult to allow myself to forgive. When I see how it hurts my kids it breaks my heart. But more than anything I want to be free of him, so I will figure out a way to let go and let God.

I figure that the fact that all of this has blown up since my decision by the ocean to find hope, to allow forgiveness, to keep faith, is God saying here’s where the rubber hits the road. Now I have to really decide how I am going to handle it. Am I going to completely fall apart and allow him to make me his victim, to control me, to try and destroy me? Or am I going to walk in my Faith with God and keep moving towards living the kind of life I want?

At this point, I don’t see there is much more to do than just pray. God has taken me out of an abusive relationship because of faith and prayer. He has held my hand constantly over the last two years. I have to have faith that there is a plan in all of this as well.

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