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And on it goes

Pretty soon it will be three months with no form of support payment at all from Tab. No spousal, no child, nothing. I know it’s the way of the narcissist, but it continues to boggle my mind that he does not care that he is purposely leaving  his children without the basics needed for life.

It’s not like money is an issue for him (aside from the fact that no matter how much he has it will never be enough), he earns over 250K USD per year. He has money and companies hidden away overseas, he drives a Range Rover, he vacations,  he has a pretty comfortable life. Money, however, is the only real means of control he has left over what used to be his family. Aside from making good on prior threats to harm us physically, it’s the only remaining way he can cause us pain. It’s still less pain than what he inflicted on us when we lived with him, but it’s damaging nonetheless.

I have thought what would I have done if all of this had happened while we were still away and didn’t have my family to protect us? It’s a reminder that God is holding us as we walk on this path of recovery from the abuse and the fear.

I am learning to trust that somehow inside of all of this there is a bigger plan, a greater purpose. I have moments of paralyzing fear that I can’t provide for my kids, I feel like a huge failure that I am not able to support them. But, I chose the role of stay at home mom because I believed in it – I still believe my kids are better people because I have made them my priority instead of building my own career. This is not a slam against working moms in any way, it is just a fact for our family based on the years of abuse we suffered. In small ways I have been better able to protect them because I have been there for them. Better yet would have been that we never were put in this situation at all…. but I can’t go back and change the past.

I have finally realized that there is absolutely nothing that is going to make him care about his kids – I understood a long time ago there was nothing I could do to make him care about me. It is sad, and baffling that someone could choose to walk away from two of the greatest beings who have ever lived. They are the brightest stars in my sky and I could never imagine willfully choosing to not be in their lives. But, again, this is the life of the narcissist.

I have done all my paperwork here in Alberta, MEP here activated their file the beginning of April. Virginia however, has not activated their file yet and have indicated that process could take months. Months where he will be allowed to violate the court order and not make any payments. My only hope is that he is stupid enough to come to Canada and I can arrange for the authorities here to deal with him. It sickens me.

And yet, underneath all of that fear and pain is another feeling entirely. There is this feeling of freedom and hope. He is not controlling us anymore. He has done his worst and we are still standing. Somehow I believe that God will provide for me an opportunity that will allow me to support me and the kids while still being a parent to them. I can’t believe that He brought us this far on this journey just to abandon us now. So we will continue to move forward in faith (and still a little fear – working on that).

In this there is also gratitude that while my kids have spent the last two years being afraid of him from a distance, they haven’t had to go to bed terrified their dad is going to decide that this is the night he chooses a permanent solution to his problems and does away with his family. That is an entirely different kind of fear and one I happily sleep at night without.

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