And on it goes

Pretty soon it will be three months with no form of support payment at all from Tab. No spousal, no child, nothing. I know it’s the way of the narcissist, but it continues to boggle my mind that he does not care that he is purposely leaving  his children without the basics needed for life.

It’s not like money is an issue for him (aside from the fact that no matter how much he has it will never be enough), he earns over 250K USD per year. He has money and companies hidden away overseas, he drives a Range Rover, he vacations,  he has a pretty comfortable life. Money, however, is the only real means of control he has left over what used to be his family. Aside from making good on prior threats to harm us physically, it’s the only remaining way he can cause us pain. It’s still less pain than what he inflicted on us when we lived with him, but it’s damaging nonetheless.

I have thought what would I have done if all of this had happened while we were still away and didn’t have my family to protect us? It’s a reminder that God is holding us as we walk on this path of recovery from the abuse and the fear.

I am learning to trust that somehow inside of all of this there is a bigger plan, a greater purpose. I have moments of paralyzing fear that I can’t provide for my kids, I feel like a huge failure that I am not able to support them. But, I chose the role of stay at home mom because I believed in it – I still believe my kids are better people because I have made them my priority instead of building my own career. This is not a slam against working moms in any way, it is just a fact for our family based on the years of abuse we suffered. In small ways I have been better able to protect them because I have been there for them. Better yet would have been that we never were put in this situation at all…. but I can’t go back and change the past.

I have finally realized that there is absolutely nothing that is going to make him care about his kids – I understood a long time ago there was nothing I could do to make him care about me. It is sad, and baffling that someone could choose to walk away from two of the greatest beings who have ever lived. They are the brightest stars in my sky and I could never imagine willfully choosing to not be in their lives. But, again, this is the life of the narcissist.

I have done all my paperwork here in Alberta, MEP here activated their file the beginning of April. Virginia however, has not activated their file yet and have indicated that process could take months. Months where he will be allowed to violate the court order and not make any payments. My only hope is that he is stupid enough to come to Canada and I can arrange for the authorities here to deal with him. It sickens me.

And yet, underneath all of that fear and pain is another feeling entirely. There is this feeling of freedom and hope. He is not controlling us anymore. He has done his worst and we are still standing. Somehow I believe that God will provide for me an opportunity that will allow me to support me and the kids while still being a parent to them. I can’t believe that He brought us this far on this journey just to abandon us now. So we will continue to move forward in faith (and still a little fear – working on that).

In this there is also gratitude that while my kids have spent the last two years being afraid of him from a distance, they haven’t had to go to bed terrified their dad is going to decide that this is the night he chooses a permanent solution to his problems and does away with his family. That is an entirely different kind of fear and one I happily sleep at night without.

Forgiveness, Uncategorized

Coping with fear

This has been a very fearful couple of weeks. On the advice of my lawyer I finally got registered with MEP (our support enforcement program) so that they would be able to take care of getting payments from Tab and I would have less stress to deal with. Every month since the order was made he has been at least 3 weeks late with the payment, leaving me feeling insecure every single time that one would in fact be made. Last month he failed to make his section 7 payments, and when I asked him about the regular support payments he refused to answer – so I  got things activated with MEP.

I spoke with MEP a week ago and they said that they had contacted Tab the first of April to organize payments, but that they didn’t yet have jurisdiction in his area (he lives in the States, we are in Canada – but there is an agreement between countries that payments must be made) and they couldn’t enforce the payment. So this month he has decided simply not to make a payment. This month, when my taxes were due and they wiped out what I had left in savings, I have no money left over to look after the kids, to pay my bills, to pay my lawyer, to live.

I get spousal support because of the length of the time we were married and because I stayed home with the kids so that we could move around while he grew his career – so he knows I depend on his payments. I also have spent the entire amount I have received in spousal support in the last year on lawyers fees – most of which was to enforce support payments (see what that did for me). Not that I have to justify it, but I’m not working now because my son has been dealing with suicidal issues over the last year as he’s dealing with his own issues after being abused and I’m kind of busy dealing with that.

Scorched Earth Divorce – it’s a real thing. He is trying to drive me into the ground. He has hidden money, hidden a big raise,  hidden businesses in a different country, and hidden God knows what else.

So, here’s the thing. At Easter time I was praying by the ocean and I realized that I had given up hope. I have made myself his victim. He made me his victim for years as I lived in the abuse, but now I am still his victim as he holds me financially hostage and that is not ok at all.

I am starting to understand that the only way for me to move ahead is to learn how to forgive him somehow and to take myself out of the role of victim. Both are harder than I thought. I can think about forgiving him for injuries in the past, but the fact that he continues to attack me makes it so incredibly difficult to allow myself to forgive. When I see how it hurts my kids it breaks my heart. But more than anything I want to be free of him, so I will figure out a way to let go and let God.

I figure that the fact that all of this has blown up since my decision by the ocean to find hope, to allow forgiveness, to keep faith, is God saying here’s where the rubber hits the road. Now I have to really decide how I am going to handle it. Am I going to completely fall apart and allow him to make me his victim, to control me, to try and destroy me? Or am I going to walk in my Faith with God and keep moving towards living the kind of life I want?

At this point, I don’t see there is much more to do than just pray. God has taken me out of an abusive relationship because of faith and prayer. He has held my hand constantly over the last two years. I have to have faith that there is a plan in all of this as well.