Forgiveness, Uncategorized

Unexpected gift

Last year I dated a guy for a few months (we call him 2.0). He was the first person I had dated since I was 26, which at the time was 19 years ago, when I met my now ex-husband. I had no idea how to date, what to expect from a man I dated, or how any of it would work.

When we first met, the pull to each other was almost instant. We both said it was like our hearts had known each other in a previous lifetime. We were able to communicate silently through our energy fields in a way I never had before with a romantic partner (but always had with my kids and pets). It was a very intuitive way of being with someone, something I didn’t think I would ever experience.

We wanted to be together all the time and constantly shifted our schedules so that we could meet up – it took some work as we lived almost an hour apart. But we had this need to be together, when we hugged we both said it was like broken pieces inside ourselves got healed.

I said to him that I had this strong feeling that he was a gift from God, that I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I knew he had been sent into my life for a very powerful reason. Of course, then I thought it meant that his reason for being was to be my happily-ever-after. It wasn’t.

He used to tell me all the time how much he loved me, how lovable I was, how I was the kind of person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, how he wanted to be with me all the time, how we had so much fun together. Little things he also said that it took me a while to clue into were things like the fact that usually he was attracted to more the model type of woman, that if he had to pick his perfect match he would never have thought it would be us together, that he had dated tons of women online (he met three the day he met me) in his search for the perfect relationship.

About 2 months into our relationship he sent me an email saying that he didn’t think it would work out, that he felt there was a “chemistry issue he couldn’t reconcile” and that we should go our separate ways. I shut off communication with him and went about my life. I thought about him being a gift and realized that all of the broken parts in me that had healed with him were still healed and I thought maybe that was the gift. He had helped me heal a lot of things about my ex and my divorce and that really was a gift.

A week later he called me and wanted to meet. Against my better judgement I met him, he cried and said he was sorry for how he had ended things, that he had spent the week thinking about what he wanted and that he knew without a doubt that he wanted to spend his life with me.

Because I had this strong heart pull towards him we got back together. Again, for about 7 weeks everything was fantastic. Suddenly after a very close weekend spent together, with no warning, he pulled away again. This time I knew we were done. He met me in the parking lot at Winners on a Saturday evening and while I stood outside of his car he told me that (and I quote): we get along so well together, I have never connected with someone like this before, and I have never had so much fun with a girl before – but you just aren’t attractive enough for me to date. For real – I wasn’t attractive enough for him to date.  We said a few more things – but really what is left to say after that?  I said I wasn’t doing this any more and I left, got in my car, and drove home. That was that – never saw him again.

It’s been about 7 months since the break up. I have dated casually, I have even met some pretty nice men, but I haven’t wanted to get involved in a real relationship again. Not because of 2.0 and what he said, but because of me. I wasn’t even that hurt by him telling me that I wasn’t attractive enough to date him. I figure I’m pretty average and I’m ok with that – I’d rather sleep in than spend hours on my hair and makeup, I don’t think I need to put a paper bag over my head to go outside so people don’t get scared, I am liking who I am more and more. I also figured (and once said to him which apparently was a mistake) that something I liked about him was that he was pretty average too – I don’t think I was dating out of my league.

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time reading and learning about forgiveness, hope, happiness, and attracting what we want into our lives. Here’s what I think the gift of 2.0 was in my life:

He reflected back all the things I hold deep inside me as being truths. I am fun, kind, great to be around, a good friend, someone you want to build a life with, someone you can trust. But…. and it’s a big but… at the end of the day I’m just not pretty/worthy/good enough. That is my biggest, deepest, darkest fear. That I’m all these great things but at the end of the day just not worthy enough.

As I was reading about how our relationships reflect who we are and how we think about ourselves it all fell into place. Because we connected so deeply, he could reach right down into the darkest areas I hide from everyone and pull them into the light. And now that they’re in the light I can work on them.

What an amazing and  incredible gift. I am so grateful that I have all these un-truths I’ve told myself for most of my life now sitting around me and I can clear them out.

I have no idea what kind of impact our relationship had on him, and it really does not matter. He is not someone who is welcome back into my life although I no longer hold any anger or resentment towards him. He was in my life for a reason and a season and that is all. God gifted him into my life at the perfect time to show me some dark beliefs I held about myself so that I have the option to change them.

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

Dating again…

If I thought dating as a teen and in my twenties was uncomfortable and awkward, it has nothing on dating in my 40s. First off, I have my own baggage – scars from an abusive relationship, children who live with me full time and whom I actually parent and enjoy spending time with (in a world where divorced dads are part time or less this seems to be an issue for many of them – who knew?), and probably lots of other things I am unaware of.

I had heard lots of stories of angry, bitter, divorced women in their 40s – what I was not prepared for was how many divorced men of the same age are angry and bitter. Guys, what on earth makes you think I want to go out with you and listen to you bitch about your ex wife? Go tell a buddy or your therapist, but don’t tell your date. Please. I don’t tell you about what a dick my ex husband is.

After filing for divorce last year I discovered that for the first time in 18+ years I was single and maybe I should start thinking about dating. I went on a few coffee dates with men (and listened to most of them bitch about their exes) and then met 2.0 and we dated for several months. Actually, he spent a lot of time bitching about not just one but both of his ex wives (should have been the start of my red flag parade right there). When we broke up I went out a few times and although I didn’t feel the zing at least those dates didn’t spend the evening complaining about the past.

Until last week. I met this guy who seemed great. We had lots in common – both lived in the country, liked animals (I thought), went to church, shared similar sense of humour. So we went to lunch for our first date. Huge mistake – I knew there was a reason I usually make sure the first date is something I can easily escape from.

The man had three drinks at lunch which to me seemed excessive. With every Caesar he drank he got a little louder so everyone could hear how his wife of 20+ years cheated on him with a 20 year old boy who lived down the road. I’m sitting there eating my salad trying to figure out how to escape. What on earth makes you think I want to hear about this? I mean seriously. Have another drink. Which he did.

Finally I say I have to go pick up my kids, thanks for lunch, I gotta run. He paid for lunch (which was nice, but seriously I had a salad and water) and walked me to my car (which, again, seemed nice at the time). I said thank you again for lunch and went to give him the polite this was nice I’ll never see you again hug before getting in my car. He took that as an opportunity to grab me and stick his tongue down my throat. In the parking lot where I do my grocery shopping. In the middle of the day.

God help me. Just no.

Standard