Forgiveness, Uncategorized

A step towards forgiveness

I have realized as I’ve been kind of stuck lately on my healing journey that I need to figure out how to forgive TAB. Quite honestly, this is the last thing in the entire world I want to do. I think if I only had to forgive him for cheating on me over and over for years, for spending and hiding tens of thousands of dollars (probably closer to hundreds of thousands in all honesty), for hitting me, for hitting S, for the reign of terror and emotional abuse he subjected us all to, for the lies, the threats – if that was all there was to it, maybe that I could forgive.

It’s the other things I’m having a hard time forgiving. The unfairness of it all, how he broke the dream of the family and the life I wanted, the fact that my kind and amazing son talks about suicide on a regular basis because of trauma left over from this man, hearing my daughter talk about stuffing all her feelings down deep inside so she does not have to deal with them. The brutal unfairness, the fact that we are away from him and he continues to try and create uncertainty and chaos, the fact that I’m left alone to lead this family as we heal from crisis, the financial stress I’m left with.

The unfairness.

I have a hard time forgiving because it’s so unfair.

He’s got everything he ever wanted – great career, fun girlfriend, weekends away, the perfect executive life he wanted – the one that his family always got in the way of.

The fact that now I have to figure out some way to support myself and my kids when I gave up my career building years to look after the family so that he could build his. The fact that the career that I wanted was looking after my family and it will be taken away from me so that I can take some shit job to put food on our table.

I have a hard time forgiving because it’s so unfair.

Yet… it’s hurting me to not forgive. I am stuck at this place in my healing because I’m not forgiving. It’s hurting me not only emotionally but physically as well.

I have to figure out how to forgive him. I have to do that knowing that even if I forgive him for all the past hurts he will hurt me again today, tomorrow, and for as long as he is alive. And I have to figure out how to forgive him for that as well.

I have to do it so that we can continue to heal.


Dating again…

If I thought dating as a teen and in my twenties was uncomfortable and awkward, it has nothing on dating in my 40s. First off, I have my own baggage – scars from an abusive relationship, children who live with me full time and whom I actually parent and enjoy spending time with (in a world where divorced dads are part time or less this seems to be an issue for many of them – who knew?), and probably lots of other things I am unaware of.

I had heard lots of stories of angry, bitter, divorced women in their 40s – what I was not prepared for was how many divorced men of the same age are angry and bitter. Guys, what on earth makes you think I want to go out with you and listen to you bitch about your ex wife? Go tell a buddy or your therapist, but don’t tell your date. Please. I don’t tell you about what a dick my ex husband is.

After filing for divorce last year I discovered that for the first time in 18+ years I was single and maybe I should start thinking about dating. I went on a few coffee dates with men (and listened to most of them bitch about their exes) and then met 2.0 and we dated for several months. Actually, he spent a lot of time bitching about not just one but both of his ex wives (should have been the start of my red flag parade right there). When we broke up I went out a few times and although I didn’t feel the zing at least those dates didn’t spend the evening complaining about the past.

Until last week. I met this guy who seemed great. We had lots in common – both lived in the country, liked animals (I thought), went to church, shared similar sense of humour. So we went to lunch for our first date. Huge mistake – I knew there was a reason I usually make sure the first date is something I can easily escape from.

The man had three drinks at lunch which to me seemed excessive. With every Caesar he drank he got a little louder so everyone could hear how his wife of 20+ years cheated on him with a 20 year old boy who lived down the road. I’m sitting there eating my salad trying to figure out how to escape. What on earth makes you think I want to hear about this? I mean seriously. Have another drink. Which he did.

Finally I say I have to go pick up my kids, thanks for lunch, I gotta run. He paid for lunch (which was nice, but seriously I had a salad and water) and walked me to my car (which, again, seemed nice at the time). I said thank you again for lunch and went to give him the polite this was nice I’ll never see you again hug before getting in my car. He took that as an opportunity to grab me and stick his tongue down my throat. In the parking lot where I do my grocery shopping. In the middle of the day.

God help me. Just no.


The crystal ball

I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what the future holds. I think my biggest fear is not knowing how I am going to support the kids and myself. As of right now, TAB has court ordered support payments (that are always late) but they won’t last forever. Either he will decide to stop paying, he will lose his job again, or the court will decide I have had enough time to get my act together.

The problem is, I have not had enough time to get my act together. In the last two years since we left him and moved home:

*my dad died

*TAB cut off all of our finances, closed our joint account and told me he was not sending any money for either the kids or myself (I had been a stay at home mom over 10 years by that time).

*I filed for divorce and took him to court for emergency support payments.

*TAB came to town sending my son into a spiral of depression which included having suicidal thoughts.

*My mom’s illness got worse and her care needs increased.

*My son was triggered once again by TAB and sent back into a suicidal depression.

*My daughter also struggles with the  hurt and pain of growing up in an abusive home.

*I have started the process of learning to heal myself. I was destroyed by this man, unable to think for myself, unable to believe I had any value at all.

*During this time I have also experienced the deaths of two uncles, my godmother, a family cat, two ranch horses, and two ranch dogs (my kids were very close to both the horses and the dogs as well as the cat).

Like I just can’t catch a fucking break. Somehow inside all of this pain and chaos I am supposed to start a career and support us.

I pray about it all the time, I feel deeply that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I am told to just trust and move ahead as I am, looking after those I love, having faith. Usually I do. But, it’s also really freaking hard. I’m essentially living on love and miracles. And we have had a lot of miracles in the past few years, they have saved our lives. But, I sure would like it if I could just peer a little into the future and know that we will be ok, that I will be able to provide properly for my kids, that I can continue to look after them the way I am right now. Because this parenting stuff that I do is the most important thing in the world to me. If I can’t get them through all of this and have them be happy, healthy, secure, loving beings then what was the point? But, it does not come with a paycheck.

Just a little peek into the future to see a calm, happy, secure family there too would be nice.