Forgiveness, Uncategorized

Coping with fear

This has been a very fearful couple of weeks. On the advice of my lawyer I finally got registered with MEP (our support enforcement program) so that they would be able to take care of getting payments from Tab and I would have less stress to deal with. Every month since the order was made he has been at least 3 weeks late with the payment, leaving me feeling insecure every single time that one would in fact be made. Last month he failed to make his section 7 payments, and when I asked him about the regular support payments he refused to answer – so I  got things activated with MEP.

I spoke with MEP a week ago and they said that they had contacted Tab the first of April to organize payments, but that they didn’t yet have jurisdiction in his area (he lives in the States, we are in Canada – but there is an agreement between countries that payments must be made) and they couldn’t enforce the payment. So this month he has decided simply not to make a payment. This month, when my taxes were due and they wiped out what I had left in savings, I have no money left over to look after the kids, to pay my bills, to pay my lawyer, to live.

I get spousal support because of the length of the time we were married and because I stayed home with the kids so that we could move around while he grew his career – so he knows I depend on his payments. I also have spent the entire amount I have received in spousal support in the last year on lawyers fees – most of which was to enforce support payments (see what that did for me). Not that I have to justify it, but I’m not working now because my son has been dealing with suicidal issues over the last year as he’s dealing with his own issues after being abused and I’m kind of busy dealing with that.

Scorched Earth Divorce – it’s a real thing. He is trying to drive me into the ground. He has hidden money, hidden a big raise,  hidden businesses in a different country, and hidden God knows what else.

So, here’s the thing. At Easter time I was praying by the ocean and I realized that I had given up hope. I have made myself his victim. He made me his victim for years as I lived in the abuse, but now I am still his victim as he holds me financially hostage and that is not ok at all.

I am starting to understand that the only way for me to move ahead is to learn how to forgive him somehow and to take myself out of the role of victim. Both are harder than I thought. I can think about forgiving him for injuries in the past, but the fact that he continues to attack me makes it so incredibly difficult to allow myself to forgive. When I see how it hurts my kids it breaks my heart. But more than anything I want to be free of him, so I will figure out a way to let go and let God.

I figure that the fact that all of this has blown up since my decision by the ocean to find hope, to allow forgiveness, to keep faith, is God saying here’s where the rubber hits the road. Now I have to really decide how I am going to handle it. Am I going to completely fall apart and allow him to make me his victim, to control me, to try and destroy me? Or am I going to walk in my Faith with God and keep moving towards living the kind of life I want?

At this point, I don’t see there is much more to do than just pray. God has taken me out of an abusive relationship because of faith and prayer. He has held my hand constantly over the last two years. I have to have faith that there is a plan in all of this as well.

Forgiveness, Uncategorized

A step towards forgiveness

I have realized as I’ve been kind of stuck lately on my healing journey that I need to figure out how to forgive TAB. Quite honestly, this is the last thing in the entire world I want to do. I think if I only had to forgive him for cheating on me over and over for years, for spending and hiding tens of thousands of dollars (probably closer to hundreds of thousands in all honesty), for hitting me, for hitting S, for the reign of terror and emotional abuse he subjected us all to, for the lies, the threats – if that was all there was to it, maybe that I could forgive.

It’s the other things I’m having a hard time forgiving. The unfairness of it all, how he broke the dream of the family and the life I wanted, the fact that my kind and amazing son talks about suicide on a regular basis because of trauma left over from this man, hearing my daughter talk about stuffing all her feelings down deep inside so she does not have to deal with them. The brutal unfairness, the fact that we are away from him and he continues to try and create uncertainty and chaos, the fact that I’m left alone to lead this family as we heal from crisis, the financial stress I’m left with.

The unfairness.

I have a hard time forgiving because it’s so unfair.

He’s got everything he ever wanted – great career, fun girlfriend, weekends away, the perfect executive life he wanted – the one that his family always got in the way of.

The fact that now I have to figure out some way to support myself and my kids when I gave up my career building years to look after the family so that he could build his. The fact that the career that I wanted was looking after my family and it will be taken away from me so that I can take some shit job to put food on our table.

I have a hard time forgiving because it’s so unfair.

Yet… it’s hurting me to not forgive. I am stuck at this place in my healing because I’m not forgiving. It’s hurting me not only emotionally but physically as well.

I have to figure out how to forgive him. I have to do that knowing that even if I forgive him for all the past hurts he will hurt me again today, tomorrow, and for as long as he is alive. And I have to figure out how to forgive him for that as well.

I have to do it so that we can continue to heal.


Dating again…

If I thought dating as a teen and in my twenties was uncomfortable and awkward, it has nothing on dating in my 40s. First off, I have my own baggage – scars from an abusive relationship, children who live with me full time and whom I actually parent and enjoy spending time with (in a world where divorced dads are part time or less this seems to be an issue for many of them – who knew?), and probably lots of other things I am unaware of.

I had heard lots of stories of angry, bitter, divorced women in their 40s – what I was not prepared for was how many divorced men of the same age are angry and bitter. Guys, what on earth makes you think I want to go out with you and listen to you bitch about your ex wife? Go tell a buddy or your therapist, but don’t tell your date. Please. I don’t tell you about what a dick my ex husband is.

After filing for divorce last year I discovered that for the first time in 18+ years I was single and maybe I should start thinking about dating. I went on a few coffee dates with men (and listened to most of them bitch about their exes) and then met 2.0 and we dated for several months. Actually, he spent a lot of time bitching about not just one but both of his ex wives (should have been the start of my red flag parade right there). When we broke up I went out a few times and although I didn’t feel the zing at least those dates didn’t spend the evening complaining about the past.

Until last week. I met this guy who seemed great. We had lots in common – both lived in the country, liked animals (I thought), went to church, shared similar sense of humour. So we went to lunch for our first date. Huge mistake – I knew there was a reason I usually make sure the first date is something I can easily escape from.

The man had three drinks at lunch which to me seemed excessive. With every Caesar he drank he got a little louder so everyone could hear how his wife of 20+ years cheated on him with a 20 year old boy who lived down the road. I’m sitting there eating my salad trying to figure out how to escape. What on earth makes you think I want to hear about this? I mean seriously. Have another drink. Which he did.

Finally I say I have to go pick up my kids, thanks for lunch, I gotta run. He paid for lunch (which was nice, but seriously I had a salad and water) and walked me to my car (which, again, seemed nice at the time). I said thank you again for lunch and went to give him the polite this was nice I’ll never see you again hug before getting in my car. He took that as an opportunity to grab me and stick his tongue down my throat. In the parking lot where I do my grocery shopping. In the middle of the day.

God help me. Just no.