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Controlling relationships 

I have been in some form of a controlling relationship my entire life. I didn’t realize this until a few years ago when I was doing some reflecting while still in my marriage – that this was a pattern I had created. It wasn’t always a romantic relationship that was controlling, but it was always one of my main relationships, and the patten was clear and consistent.

I began to believe that I would repeat the same behavior, make the same choices, over and over until I had learned what I needed to in these situations. Why was I constantly putting myself in a position where I allowed someone to control me?

I believed that I needed to learn better coping skills, or learn how to properly identify this type (in my case a narcissist) of person whom I continued to let into my inner circle.

This was confusing and frustrating for me as I felt like I had learned that lesson. I made very clear choices as I exited my marriage and swore that I would never be in that type of relationship again.

Then I met 2.0 and our hearts were like old friends. It was one of those really cool, deep connections that don’t happen very often. But, I felt constantly out of balance the entire time I was in the relationship and I didn’t know why.

It wasn’t until after we had broken up that I was able to piece it together. I had once again fallen into a controlling relationship. He wasn’t as obviously mean as TAB (although he proved to be pretty cruel in his own way as I learned of his behaviour patterns towards those who loved him), but he needed to make all the rules, he needed to be right, he needed to be the successful one, he needed me to dim my shine so that his could shine brighter.

And that hurt my soul, but my heart was so wrapped up in it I didn’t understand what was going on. After we broke up I realized I would never have had a chance to walk into myself, to see my light shine, to share my gifts with the world.

I’ve been reading Entering The Castle by Caroline Myss and the part I was working on today included this sentence:

Detaching from the controlling influence of others so that you adhere to the trust and humbleness you need in order to listen to divine instructions is difficult, but it is your task.

And just like that it all made sense. That is the lesson I have needed to learn. As long as I allow these controlling relationships to run my life I don’t have to trust and be humble and listen to divine instructions. It never had anything to do with learning to protect myself from them, it had to do with learning to have faith and trust in my divine connection over anything else.

It was quite honestly a life changing moment. I don’t have to spend so much energy fretting that TAB is refusing to pay again, I don’t have to spend my energy worrying that he’s going to continue to hurt me. I need to focus inwards and have faith in my divine connection because it is giving me really clear guidance right now.

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Total destruction 

He spent years trying to destroy me emotionally and physically. When I finally got out, he tried to destroy me financially. Now he is trying to destroy the children. Not that they haven’t already suffered unbelievably – they too were almost destroyed emotionally, physically (the boy), and financially. 

They don’t need to continue to be destroyed. He takes the concept of a scorched earth divorce to a whole new level, and really does not care what damage is done as he burns his way through. 

I have emotional scars of the reminders of the abuse. The time I asked him why he hit me hard enough to bruise my leg (it was because I wouldn’t stop talking and he needed to shut me up). The times he forced sex on me even though I was clearly saying no. The times he told the children vicious lies about me to try and make them stop loving me (his words). The times he told our friends the same sorts of lies to make sure I knew no one cared about me (again, his words).  The nights I used to lie awake terrified that was going to be the night he made good on his threats and killed us all. The fact that he cut off the children and I completely from all finances and fought all the way through court that he should not be responsible financially. The fact that he has no relationship with the children and has no idea who they are. 

This is all a burden I carry. It pales in comparison to the fact that he had a conversation with my son a couple of weeks ago that left S so scared and destroyed he talks about wanting to take his own life. And now that TAB knows this, he is refusing to pay for the therapy that helps bring my child back into balance. He refuses to take any ownership for the fact that he caused this trauma. My beautiful child is at risk and he continues to try and destroy our safety. He won’t. We are brave and strong and love each other so deeply, that will pull us through just like it always has. 

This is the after effect of life with a narcissist. This is life after abuse. It’s unreal. But he will not destroy us. Love wins always. 

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